HIGHLIGHTS OF THE MONTH

as I write this, I'm wearing an oversized t-shirt so faded; we could all gather around and play a game of guess the original colours. My dull, cotton pants are loose enough to harbour three starving fugitives in case the need arises. If the doorbell rings, I will answer it, without flinching. In case, there's a milk emergency, I will not hesitate to run out of the house without changing.

I may be terribly comfortable, but I'm also terribly out of style. (And as you well may know, the two can't co-exist without the universe imploding.) A quick peek into my closet and you'll realise that the 1990s are alive, well and living it up within those four wooden walls. Don't get me wrong. I do find some designers' work quite extraordinary. And some, quite liberating. Where would we be without Coco Chanel?s history re-defining LBD or women?s trousers? But the same designers that encourage women to be different end up creating a flock of sheep who dress alike. Clearly, individualism is frowned upon. So where does that leave me? On a mission to expose the world of fashion, as I see it. And as you should too.

IT'S IN. IT'S OUT. OH LOOKIE, IT'S BACK IN

Let's take a colour. Any one. Like, lime green. Magazines, fashion shows and wardrobes will spill over to declare this bright hue as the 'IT' colour. It's the absolute must have, and have-nots will be considered as social outcasts and also sniggered at. Just around the time you successfully transformed your life to look like a lemon field, Baam!

Lime green is declared hideous, unsightly and needs to be urgently shipped off to the land of fashion rejects. Now it's? wait for it? it's almost time? Fuchsia! And just when you begin to look like a walking bubblegum, Lime green is back! The fashion world is spinning so fast on its axis, it's a wonder we all don't get nauseous. Or even fall off.

It's all a scam, really. Designers whip up these temporary frenzies to pay for their huge mansions, private jets and cabana boys. And we fall for it. Take a look at some of the trends in the past 20 years that we blindly followed. Big shoulder pads, big weird hair, skin tights, neon colours, big flashy belts. Photo albums are filled with weird hairstyles and fashion that we now fondly look at and go, "What the heck was I thinking?? So when you dress up today in the latest new fad, take a picture. You're going to get a few chuckles ten years from now.

WHAT ARE THEY THINKING? RATHER, WHAT ARE THEY ON?

During one of his shows, designer John Galliano sent his models out wearing what looked like diseased, decaying and decapitated birds on their heads. That's art. Of course, if I paraded down a busy street sporting dead poultry on my head, my new look would include strait jackets. Spanish designer Agatha Ruiz de la Prada had a model sashaying down the ramp wearing a pink jacket. And oh yeah, an upside down umbrella for a skirt. Some people collect cars, others collect stamps? you can now collect some rain.

Alessandra Facchinetti for Valentino designed a red hot dress, that bore striking resemblance to a ripe, round tomato. It's perfect if you want to hide cake from a weight watchers' club, not so much if you want to look normal. Ah, remember normal? Where the clothes are tailored to fit your body, and not fruits, toothpicks and birdcages.What makes all of this even more ridiculous, is that we still ridicule poor Bjork for wearing the Swan dress at the 2001 Oscars. Wasn't she just being fashionable?

I AM THIN AND THAT MAKES ME FAT

Most designers secretly design clothes for 12-year-old boys. And we're supposed to cramp our 30-year-old bodies into those creations. Through the ages, women have been subjected to torture in the name of style. Rib-breaking corsets to obtain an 18-inch waist, seven-inch stilettos that serve as reason why your last little piggy cried all the way home and tight fitting jeans that cut off blood circulation to your legs. Who needs the ability to walk, when you can look good?

If you see the models at the recently concluded Lakmé India Fashion week, you'll know that unless you eat a stick of celery a day, there's no way those clothes are going to look half as good on you. Is it really that hard to celebrate a normal woman's body? Is it such a crime to own hips? Enter, my shapeless, baggy trousers. They're practical (gasp!). It's a word that's almost blasphemous in fashion. But they make me happy, so there!

CELEBRITIES, WAX DOLLS OR FREAKS OF NATURE?

Two words always baffle me. Victoria Beckham. This stick insect is hailed as the queen of fashion. I see her as a visitor to our planet who would really appreciate it if someone would be kind enough to take her to our leader. Her sense of style, at its best can be described as eccentric. At its worst, someone please get her a mirror!

Mrs Beckham had even been spotted in public wearing high heel shoes that have no heels (just her soles, six inches of air, and then the floor). Guess when you're a size minus one, you float on air. Another fashion icon, Sarah Jesscia Parker has been known to cover herself in ruffles, feathers and bows? and out of nowhere, you suddenly get cravings for strawberry shortcake. Then there's Lady Ga Ga. An apt name, because one look at her crazy outfits and you?re likely to go, "Gaaaaaah!" She clearly doesn't believe in conventional cuts, fabric or pain cells. Closer to home, our celebrities don't push the envelope nearly as much. But one look at Priyanka Chopra's tight clothes, and you're left wondering, was she sewn into her clothes? Or did her skin shed a designer outfit?

Fashion is an art form. Fabrics are to designers what an empty canvas is to a painter. But it's also supposed to be real. And its very essence is to celebrate women. That's not going to happen as long as we fool ourselves into thinking that the designer knows best. How could he? He's never had cellulite, a midnight craving for chocolate or the ability to put on weight by just thinking about food. So, till he gets it right, I'm more than happy to wear my husband's old shirts, and be thankful I don't have to worry about what I'm going to do with thirty, outdated lime green outfits.