“There’s a reason as to why I find living with my in-laws difficult. They’re always poking in our (my and my husband’s) personal lives. They neither like me nor my family. There have been instances when they’ve tried to cause trouble between me and my family. Another concern that I have frequently been facing is that my husband would never stand up for me, when my in-laws would bring up something.” This is something that I recently received in my inbox from one of the subscribers of this blog.
The concern prompted me to write about the anger and bitterness that’s so difficult to get rid of. What can you certainly do if you’re facing the same situation? I don’t know! But, I’m an ardent practitioner of the concept of empathy, so one thing that I’m definitely sure about is that in order to sow seeds of peace, one has to go forward to claim happiness and joy.
Some things that emerge out from the above discussion – Mother-in-law problems
- The case mentioned above is clearly a case of boundary invasion. Your in-laws have seen a different time. The concept of boundaries and privacy is foreign to them. May be, for them, participating in their son’s and daughter-in-law’s life is a gesture of love.
- Your spouse may not be able to speak things up for you for he is afraid of offending his parents. If he tries to bring things up, then his family is likely to accuse him of disloyalty and excluding them from his life.
- If your in-laws dislike you, then it’s very likely that they’d be disrespectful towards your family too.
- Their dislike has got nothing to do with you; had you not been the girl in their son’s life then they would’ve managed to find some fault in that person too.
- If you’re frequently being verbally and emotionally attacked, then undoubtedly, it is your husband’s responsibility to protect you from the same. But you’ve to realize that the fact is that he does not know how to stand for you. He is afraid of facing this drama that would definitely follow. That s when he feels that the best option is to let you struggle with it.
- You must be going through two situations. One would be pertaining to all the drama that happens in front of your husband, the other one happens between the two of you ladies, in absence of the husband. It is easy for him to stay out of it by saying “it is between you women.”
HERE’S WHAT YOU CAN DO
- Be vocal with your souse
Try improving your relationship with your spouse. Tell him that you’re willing to know what makes his family unhappy with you. Then go on to let him know that you don’t want him to speak on your behalf and that you would like to speak to them directly in his presence.
RO TIP: If you’re really willing to sort things out, never that do that in his (Your husband’s) absence. That would further leave things for back biting and manipulations.
- Beware of family members
Never indulge in any such conversation in presence of all family members. Now read the last line again
- BE PREPARED
If you’re really willing to talk things out then be prepared for such a meeting can turn into drama and eventually into a war of words because you are up against the dominant party and to ask them to change the terms of the game ain’t gonna gel well with them.
- Keep your mind aside
An open mindedness and a non-judgemental attitude is what’s going to keep your boat sailng.
- Practice empathy
Think of what you would go through if your spouse asks you to choose between him and your parents. Therefore, something’s that’s going to make your husband resentful towards you asking him to choose between you and his family. It is your right to protect yourself from emotional attacks. Therefore, tell him that you do not want to be where you are not respected. Tell your partner that you respect his family as much as he does and therefore, when his family insults your parents/family, it bothers you.
- Ask Yourself the BIG question
So the BIG question is, Are you happy in this relationship? It is you who has to take a firm decision as to whether you can live with this kind of resentment for the rest of your life? If all the interference and accusation really upsets/bothers you and in turn causes conflict in your relationship, then you’ve got to make a choice if it needs to be blurred out against your happiness.
- Seek professional help
Couple’s counseling and relationship experts are true concepts. Take your partner along when you decide to go ahead with this. At the end of the day, you have to heal yourself first before you can regain control over your life.
- Work on you
The best work you’ll ever do is on yourself, your own growth. Also because you can’t change anyone but yourself! You’ve been hurt and wounded, angry and resentful, is this how you want to live rest of your life? If no, then don’t expect your spouse or his parents to change the way they think. Be vocal, speak things up, and let it all go. Let them be who they are.
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